First of all, you have the subtle mini-stimulus, exclusive to our nation’s most worthless, taking effect:

Poor workers may have especially good cause to say TGIF today.

That’s because amid the worst recession in decades, about 500,000 of Texas’ lowest-paid employees will get a raise. The federal minimum wage increases to $7.25 per hour from $6.55.

While those workers include thousands of financially secure students still living with Mom and Dad, they also include thousands of the most impoverished and vulnerable members of the workforce – those who sink further into debt each month as ordinary expenses outweigh their meager paychecks.

Actually, almost 99% of those that benefit from the minimum wage hike will be those that don’t even need it. Yes, America, the pimply faced teenage harlot that can’t afford to buy 100 pairs of Abercrombie and Fitch now can. The obese teenage atheist that spends all his time drooling in the basement over his video games can finally afford to buy a fourth XBOX 360 so that he can have all his nerd friends over for a 7-day Halo 3 marathon. It’s not as though the remaining 1% deserves the minimum wage hike, though: these are the lazy poor that can barely accomplish any job other than to roast tacos in a cauldron, or perhaps steal your credit card because they fell for every imaginable Nigerian scam out there.

April Greer, 36, is one of them.

Let’s see how this odious article attempts to justify the minimum wage increase:

Her troubles began in December, when her husband was sent to prison for a parole violation, leaving her the sole provider for her three teenage children who live with her.

This already sounds like a dangerous family; after all, the father is the head of the household, and the rest of the family looks to him for inspiration. As the father goes, so does the rest of the family. Certainly, ‘aiding’ this family in the form of the minimum wage hike will only increase the power of the deviant father to violate the law once he is out of prison.

In January, she was fired from her job at a cellular provider. She said she was late for work because her sister-in-law commandeered her car.

You know, most managers have a term for this kind of action. It’s called a poorly constructed excuse. Don’t blame the manager for wanting a worker that actually shows up to work. Don’t blame the cell phone buyers for wanting someone that works at the store for a low price, keeping the costs of the phones down.

She spent early spring trawling East Dallas for a new job, but, like millions of Americans, she found none.

If this is the case, then I must commend East Dallas for holding a high commitment towards hiring responsible and skilled workers. I know that the city where I live holds workers to an equal standard. I would hope that every business in America would have the sense not to hire someone who tries to blame their decreased job performance on someone other than themselves, and I would hope (but know it’s not true) that every state would not force American businesses to hire people like this.

The article goes on and on about this stupid sob story (including a need for one person to buy a pair of $170 Nike AirSofts for her kids), with the unproductive worker even attempting to make a pious statement (although, since it is towards the Catholic God, we know it to be full of malevolence and evil). Perhaps the most dishonest part of the article is where it claims that the minimum wage hike will put her above the poverty level _ that’s great, except that Democrats will just increase the poverty line once everybody can get above the current poverty line. If you can afford no more than a Bible for each member of your family, then you are above the only poverty line that matters: God’s poverty line. Since it is extraordinarily easy to get a free Bible (just stop by your local Reformed Orthodox Presbyterian Church today!), God does not actually have a poverty line for those in America. (The Iranians, on the other hand, almost certainly have a poverty line, and likely one that is quite high. However, it is a waste of time to argue about the poverty line of a country that must be nuked for our own safety.)

To the article’s credit, it at least attempts to note that there are other opinions on the minimum wage. However, it still tries (and fails) to paint the ridiculous idea of a minimum wage in a positive light:

Critics say … “How will [businesses] absorb the increase?” asked Rajeev Dhawan, director of Georgia State University’s Economic Forecasting Center. “They will either hire less people or they will do less business.” Businesses are likely to lay off employees and reduce hours, further fueling the economic slump in states seeing double-digit unemployment rates, fiscal conservatives and some economists say.

Supporters say … The wage bump will keep more working poor afloat. Advocates say more increases are needed to help stimulate consumer spending. More upbeat predictions suggest the wage increase could play a role in turning around the nation’s finances. Labor Secretary Hilda Solis said Thursday that the wage increase will generate an extra $5.5 billion in consumer spending over the next year.

The minimum wage debate is really quite simple: if you force people to work at lower wages, they will work harder: after all, hunger is a positive motivator. This will mean that more will be produced at each business; economists estimate that even increasing the maximum work week by just 10 hours will be enough to get us out of this recession. Furthermore, products will decrease in price when the minimum wage is annihilated: this will particularly help the poor consumer, but will also end persecution against the rich consumer. When the minimum wage is decreased, everyone wins. Well, everyone wins but the Democrat Party, but that is actually a good thing for America.

That scumbags such as Paul Krugman and John Sweeney support this Socialist, anti-American measure is of little surprise to those with bootstraps to pull. However, come 2012, when President DeMint takes the helm of the ship and steers it on course, what will it matter what they think? Krugman’s Nobel Prize will be of little worth once the Nobel Prize committee is disregarded by the American government, and John Sweeney will be occupied with a job equivalent to his skill level: as a garbage man. At least the comments on that atrocious article call these two out; that they don’t answer should be of little surprise to right-thinking people.

It is time for Americans to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, hoist the bootstraps to the top of the flagpole, and continue to hang there until society is satisfied with the amount of money that they make. Advocating to make more money for less work is paramount to treason.

*Disclaimer*: As an aside, I realize that not all Americans below the presumed poverty line are like Miss Greer, nor is it entirely implausible that Miss Greer may actually be a hard worker that is being lead astray. My experience in the business field, however, has shown me that there are plenty of people like this that miss their jobs, blame it on someone else, and then proceed to argue why they deserve more. Thus, I think it is perfectly safe to assume that Miss Greer is barely an improvement over your average freeloader.

Update: Sheer idiocy.